ADHD and Relationships: Guidance for Partners and Loved Ones

ADHD and Relationships: When the diagnosis comes late 

My husband was diagnosed with ADHD very late. When we met, I didn’t know he had ADHD, and neither did he. 

According to some estimates, the proportion of undiagnosed adults with ADHD may be as high as 80%. Many people become experts at camouflaging their difficulties. Not because they want to ‘pretend’, but because from childhood they learn: you have to adapt. And, in doing so, they may also mislead those around them. They themselves may not fully understand what’s happening, either. 

At the beginning of our relationship, for me the situation was simply that people have their own quirks — everyone lives in their own way, and over time you get used to these. I didn’t have a clear divide in my head between ‘people who are like this’ and ‘people who are like that’. 

Although looking back now, if someone had handed me an ‘instruction manual’ for him at the start of the relationship, I think it would have made me rather uncomfortable. I’m not sure I would have been ready to hear it then. It’s a bit like when you’re thinking of buying something: at first you see a lot of drawbacks, you focus on them, and immediately think: ‘do I really want this?’ And that’s not an excuse — it really is the source of a lot of problems. 

Relationships are complicated anyway, even in ‘baseline mode’, free from ADHD. The more problematic ADHD symptoms can create a lot of tension and misunderstanding: hyperfocus, impulsivity, forgetfulness and disorganisation. 

They don’t always do what they said they would, and their plans and ideas can change like patterns in a kaleidoscope. For this reason, it is often very hard for them to build relationships: 

• romantic relationships, 

• friendships, 

• relationships with children, 

• colleagues, 

• neighbours – any kind. 

It is no less difficult for the person who lives with such a partner. The non-ADHD partner often finds themselves thinking: 

‘The person I love – why are they behaving like this now, do I understand them at all?’ 
‘This isn’t how you were when I met you.’ 

That is why I started to look for answers about how to understand what is happening to us: 

• why I react in certain ways, 

• why things are so hard for him, 

• what this whole emotional ‘push–pull’ feeling in our relationship is about. 

In situations like this, many relationships break down – friendships, romantic partnerships, as well as parent–child relationships. Recognising how the other person works differently can prevent a great deal of conflict and judgement. 

It’s important to understand that ADHD is highly diverse, and can show up very differently in different people — depending on age, life circumstances, and many other factors. Here I focus mainly on things that are most common, and that most strongly affect romantic and couple relationships. 

ADHD and Relationships: Hyperfocus in love 

If my partner has ADHD, what might we face in everyday life? 

First of all, there is hyperfocus (a state characteristic of ADHD where attention becomes intensely and disproportionately fixed on a single thing for a prolonged period). 

People with ADHD can fall in love at lightning speed, in an instant. They can just as easily become fixated on work, on a new hobby, or on binge-watching an entire series on Netflix (and at that point you may notice they are spending more time on themselves than on you). 

ADHD is fundamentally a neurological condition, and a low baseline dopamine level is typical. (Dopamine is a brain messenger (neurotransmitter) that helps regulate how exciting and rewarding something feels.) When a sudden flood of dopamine arrives, people with ADHD feel great, and can concentrate perfectly on that one person they’ve fallen in love with, forgetting everything else. 

They want to skip the stages of slowly getting to know each other and gradually becoming closer. Why should we wait? Inside, ADHD is shouting: ‘can we just be there already?!’ 

This is one of the reasons why the early dating phase can be rushed, and why moving in together after just a few days can happen. The ADHD brain craves immediate gratification. 

Then comes saturation with the person, followed by the feeling of disappointment that it’s all ‘too much’ – and the person with ADHD suddenly wants to run, to withdraw. Or simply to ‘throw the partner out’ of the shared home. 

Then comes a renewed approach – this is a different kind of ‘work’: smoothing out what went wrong. Impulsive flings can lead to unplanned pregnancies, who of course cannot be ‘removed’ from the picture. 

Many people with ADHD later feel that at some point they ‘lost themselves’, and were simply carried along by events. In this sense, it is not the partner’s problem, but the problem of the person with ADHD — the consequences of their own nervous system, impulsivity and decisions (which they may only fully grasp once a clear ADHD diagnosis has been made). 

ADHD and Relationships: Women with ADHD 

For women with ADHD, there is often a very strong emotional investment in the relationship. Masking — a strategy for blending in, in response to exclusion, which can be sustained for years, even decades, but often at the cost of a gradual erosion of one’s sense of self — pushing them to ‘over-perform’: 

• they invest a lot into the relationship, 

• they ‘prepare’ a lot for it, 

• they pay attention to every tiny sign. 

If the partner doesn’t reply for two minutes, the woman with ADHD may already feel highly distressed, and in her head she has already drawn several conclusions. 

And then she’s already crying on a friend’s shoulder: 

‘When we met… and the first morning after we met, I wake up, see that he’s logged into his online account and hasn’t written anything. Two hours pass, no message, I block him, then unblock him, then block him again…’ 

This is a classic mirror of an inner state — the unbearableness of waiting, as a core feature of impulsivity. She simply cannot tolerate waiting. 

Meanwhile, the other person hasn’t even noticed this inner storm, and then at lunchtime he writes: 

‘Hey, how are you, what’s new?’ 

ADHD and Relationships: Men with ADHD 

For men the story can look different, because there is often less masking. 

There are fewer ‘prescribed’ expectations around emotional over-attunement, social roles differ, and so the man with ADHD can show himself ‘straight away’: 

• he is late, 

• or arrives an hour early; 

• he is very anxious; 

• he makes impulsive decisions; 

• he is constantly hyperactive: 

‘Let’s go there — no, there — no, this — no, that; where are we even going?’ 

As if he couldn’t make a decision. In day-to-day life as a couple, this can feel like chaos. 

It is particularly hard when he has to complete some work: 

• he tries to concentrate, 

• he feels anxious, 

• he procrastinates, 

• feels anxious again, 

• procrastinates again – and so on. 

Or he has many different interests, and you are trying to find your place somewhere amongst all of these. I don’t think that would be especially pleasant for you. 

And importantly: none of this is about ‘lack of willpower’ or simple laziness, but about the way the nervous system functions. 

ADHD and Relationships: Further difficulties  

In addition, people with ADHD often struggle with waiting – for example: 

• waiting in a queue at the shop, 

• waiting at an office or public service. 

The ADHD nervous system often functions on a ‘low-dopamine idle mode’, which is why there are so many stories about how easy it is in social contexts to ‘boost it’ with alcohol or cannabis. 

A healthier way of seeking stimulation can be: 

• extreme sports, 

• demanding hikes, 

• interesting hobbies. 

Less healthy forms include: 

• aggressive driving, 

• too much risk-taking, 

• working excessively, 

• generating conflict. 

Anything that provides what the ADHD nervous system craves: a quick hit of dopamine. 

ADHD and Relationships: Life together 

If your partner has ADHD, you will probably notice that over time — not necessarily immediately, but as you spend more time together — your life can become very chaotic. 

ADHD itself involves difficulties with organisation, self-organisation, time management and planning — and these difficulties will inevitably appear in the relationship. Clinically, we call these areas ‘executive functions’. 

Perhaps the most difficult part is a lack of understanding around schedules and basic tasks – things like: 

• ‘this needs doing now’ — so I go and do it; 

• or ‘this needs doing’ — so I schedule it and then I do it. 

With ADHD, this whole sequence often falls apart somewhere in the middle. 

On top of that, the person with ADHD is constantly forgetting things and finds it hard to concentrate. 

• ‘Don’t put the hot mug on the wooden table, it will leave a mark.’ – They forget. 

• ‘Close this door, please.’ – They forget. 

• ‘Brush your teeth.’ – They forget. 

And the person with ADHD is chronically bored and searching for dopamine everywhere. 

You, however, will not always be willing or able to join them on every dopamine-hunt. Meanwhile, their interests and tastes are constantly changing. 

It can be very difficult for a person with ADHD to even figure out what they want to do with their life. Or, on the contrary, they want to do everything at once. 

In short – chaos. 

ADHD and Relationships: The ‘vicious circle’ from the inside 

Let’s look at it from the other side as well. Suppose you live together and you have ADHD. 

You keep forgetting things, and your partner starts nagging you: 

‘How is it possible that you can never remember that the shoes go here? Why do you keep putting them somewhere else? This drives me up the wall, it’s so annoying!’ 

You then make a massive effort to try to remember that the shoes must go there. After a while, you relax – and immediately put them somewhere else again. 

They get on your case again; you become even more stressed. 

The more pressure they put on you, the more you forget, and the harder it is to concentrate – and so on. 

This is how a ‘vicious circle’ develops around ADHD, and without mutual understanding it is very hard to break out of it. 

All this is happening while you are not only trying to maintain a romantic relationship, but also to manage the whole household, children, work. 

And it is hard to accept that this is something you will always have to deal with, that it doesn’t just ‘go away’. 

So, what I’d really like you to understand is this: 

• for the person with ADHD, life is also incredibly hard, 

• and of course, for the person living with someone with ADHD – their life is no fairy tale either. 

Everyone has ‘their issues’, and many moments look similar to what anyone else might go through. The difference is that with ADHD these moments aren’t isolated episodes, but almost daily occurrences. 

• When you’re constantly trying to find your phone, which you put down somewhere and can’t remember where – all the time. 

• Or when you’re already in the car and still go back two or three times because you’ve forgotten something – every time. 

ADHD and Relationships: Impulsivity in conversations 

During conversations, the ADHD brain often ‘runs ahead’: it interrupts, finishes the other person’s sentences. While listening to the story, it already ‘hears’ the punchline and cuts in – partly as a sign that it understands, and partly so it doesn’t forget its own thought that has just flashed up. 

From the outside this can easily look like rudeness or disrespect, but from the inside it feels more like panic: 

‘I’m going to forget what I wanted to say!!’ 

Conversations can become boring very quickly if there are too many ‘slow’, overly detailed parts. 

In everyday life this is disruptive. In couple relationships, parent–child dynamics and friendships, these tiny details can become the spark for big arguments. 

The ADHD brain craves and hungers for stimulation, and it genuinely suffers when it feels under-stimulated (often feeling low, flat or sad). 

This inner emptiness is uncomfortable, so the person will try to ‘feed’ themselves somehow. To fill that gap, a typical reaction can be to immediately look for a problem, and to shift easily into starting conflicts, nit-picking, or pushing for ‘let’s talk about this right now’. 

In the moment there is a sense of relief, followed ten minutes later by guilt: 

‘Maybe my reaction was completely out of proportion to what actually happened?’ 

You can see this in children as well: they poke and tease their sibling ‘for no reason’. Not because they’re ‘naughty’, but as a form of nervous system self-regulation. 

ADHD and Relationships: Impulsive spending and money 

Impulsivity can also show up as spontaneous purchases, and in general as difficulties with planning finances. 

These might be purchases that the person with ADHD makes simply because they ‘really, really, really’ want something right now – even though there was no sign beforehand that this might cause trouble. 

They may spend all their money, for example an entire month’s salary, in a totally unplanned way – without thinking about how they will live for the rest of the month. 

That’s how they end up with: 

• yet another tool at home (because the new model is 100 grams lighter), 

• yet another special set of knives (because this particular set is ideal for trimming exactly this specific plant), 

• or one day a big boat suddenly appears in the garden (because it’s so nice to go fishing on open water in summer). 

As a result, they often have no savings at all, and very frequently borrow money from others, or push themselves into expensive, disadvantageous loans, without their partner’s knowledge. 

The person with ADHD knows it isn’t right, but in that moment – as with any addiction when the object is present – the context narrows: the consequences ‘disappear’, and all that exists is the thing they want right now. 

They are the ideal customers of marketing agencies and mail-order services. But can the same be said for their family and partner? 

ADHD reshapes the entire relationship. Financial chaos doesn’t just hurt in terms of numbers on a spreadsheet, it hurts in loss of trust, shame, and repeated arguments. 

ADHD and Relationships: Sudden anger outbursts 

Impulsivity can also appear as short, sudden outbursts of anger. These really are brief explosions. 

It would not be accurate to say that people with ADHD are particularly vindictive, or that they sit and nurture plans of revenge. On the contrary: these are impulsive actions that they themselves often deeply regret later. 

Most of the time, they are actually very kind-hearted, open people. But this impulsive behaviour leads to countless problems. 

They may: 

• shout, 

• damage valuable objects, 

• hit their partner, 

• harm themselves, 

• quit their job in a fit of rage… 

By this point, we are no longer talking about ‘just ADHD symptoms’, but about serious boundary violations where clear limits and professional help are essential. I’m not sure anyone would find it truly safe or comfortable to live beside behaviour like this. 

And this can indeed be one of the reasons relationships end in divorce. Some studies suggest that couples where one partner has ADHD have a higher divorce rate than the general population – in other words, these relationships are under greater strain. 

It is important to remember that the person with ADHD often doesn’t realise they function differently – especially if for many years the way they function has brought them lots of success or positive feedback. If we know someone is fundamentally a productive, decent person, and then their behaviour changes, we don’t have to judge them straight away. We can call out the behaviour, set boundaries, but we don’t have to condemn the person. 

ADHD and Relationships: Practical guidance 

Now let’s turn to some short, practical guidance and suggestions for both sides: 

• people who live with ADHD, 

• and people who live with a partner who has ADHD. 

  
  

ADHD and Relationships: What can you do if you have ADHD? 

1. Don’t lie to yourself. 
Living with you can be pretty rough; being with you can be very, very, very hard at times. So, it’s not worth lying to yourself. You are not a ‘bad person’ – but the way you function can genuinely be very demanding for others – and it is more liberating to say this out loud than to deny it. 

2. Don’t blame yourself – but don’t minimise the diagnosis either. 
You simply have a different kind of brain, and you are the one who has to learn to adapt to this brain, and to work a great deal on yourself. This is a gradual process. 

3. Don’t lie to others either. 
If you start a romantic relationship and you already know you have ADHD, make sure you tell your partner. Explain what kinds of difficulties might arise later in the relationship because of this. That way you are not deceiving the other person, and you are not giving false hope. You’re not building an image at the beginning that will simply disintegrate after a few days, weeks or months. 

4. Make sure you get properly assessed. 
That is where you can get a clear diagnosis and, if needed, medication. It is not enough to ‘recognise yourself’ in a few videos. It’s important that a professional tells you what is actually ADHD. A diagnosis is not a label, but a map. 

5. Accept that you’ll probably need therapy. 
This can make your life much easier and simpler. You will find it easier to use certain techniques, to communicate with your partner, and to structure your life in a way that is as comfortable as possible for both of you. 

6. Move your body – for your brain as well. 
Do some kind of physical activity. If you have zero motivation, look for a kind of movement that fits you. It can be anything: 

• walking, 

• running, 

• cycling, 

• water sports. 

It helps you focus better, reduces anxiety, and increases motivation. Moving your body has a direct effect on your nervous system. 

ADHD and Relationships: What can you do if you live with a partner who has ADHD? 

1. Talk to your partner about ADHD. 
If you notice that they are behaving in ways that seem odd, and these signs remind you of ADHD, tell them what ADHD is, how it can manifest, and suggest that you go (or that they go) to see a doctor. 

2. Help with the first steps (but don’t live their life for them). 
For many people with ADHD it is very hard to motivate themselves to do anything that involves several steps – such as: 

• booking an appointment, 

• and then actually going. 

You might be the one who books the appointment, and they ‘only’ go along. Or you might go together. 

3. You are not obliged to stay in this relationship. 
If someone has problems, you are not obliged to tolerate them. You can invite them to work on these issues. If they don’t, you are completely entitled to leave. At that point, your boundaries are being violated if they do nothing and are content with living as they do. Empathy is not the same as sacrificing yourself. 

4. Don’t take over all the responsibility. 
If you take over the other person’s responsibilities, it will ultimately be bad for them too: they can sink even deeper into this state, because you are doing a large part of the work instead of them – and you yourself burn out. And if you do break up one day, how will they cope on their own? 

5. Don’t constantly check up on your partner. 

• Did they do it properly? 

• Did they do what they were supposed to? 

• Are you sure they didn’t forget? 

• Are you sure they left on time? 

If you behave like this, it will start to annoy them intensely. Their anxiety increases, and that ‘vicious circle’ becomes even tighter – and after a while, you may reach the point of breaking up. Joint planning is very different from constant monitoring. 

Ideally, you need to understand their symptoms. If you want to live with someone who has ADHD, get to know what they struggle with. The better you understand it, the easier it will be to accept, and the easier it will be to help them work with it. 

ADHD and Relationships: If you recognise yourself or your partner 

If you recognise yourself or your partner (or suspect this might be the case), that’s not an accident. But it’s worth avoiding the trap of self-labelling. 

As a first, gentle step, you can try a short, free online self-screening test (this is not a diagnosis, just a quick self-check): Free ADHD Simple → https://adhdsimple.co.nz/quiz-landing 

If several statements feel very familiar for you or your partner, it’s a good idea to talk to your GP or another healthcare professional – they can refer you to someone who specialises in ADHD and help you think through what the next steps should be.  

In closing – yes, you can live ‘normally’ with people who have ADHD 

Many of us hold the belief that to be loved or to be in a relationship we have to be perfect — not living with ADHD, depression, compulsions, or low mood. ADHD is just one among dozens — even hundreds — of ‘things’ people worry about.  

If you’re a person with ADHD and you want something, it’s highly likely there’s someone in the world who wants something similar. You’re hardly the only one. Chances are you’ll find at least one such person. 

If you don’t have ADHD yourself, please don’t be afraid of people who have ADHD. 

ADHD brings many strengths as well: 

• they can build brilliant projects, 

• throw themselves into things with huge momentum, 

• and inspire others. 

Many people with ADHD are enthusiastic, funny, talented, interesting and highly creative. 

Fundamentally, you can live ‘normally’ with them. The key is that we all need to adapt a little if we want to live in stable and fulfilling relationships. 

Last updated November 2025 
Written by Olga Karolyi for ADHD Test 

Important: This article is for information only. Diagnosis and treatment are determined and overseen by a qualified clinician. If you feel affected, contact your GP. 

References: 

Key UK guidance 

• National Institute for Health and Care Excellence. (2018, last reviewed 2025). Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder: Diagnosis and management (NG87). https://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/ng87 

• National Health Service. (2025). ADHD in adults. https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/adhd-adults/ 

• Royal College of Psychiatrists in Scotland. (2022). ADHD in adults: Good practice guidance (CR235). https://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/docs/default-source/improving-care/better-mh-policy/college-reports/cr235-adhd-in-adults---good-practice-guidance.pdf 

Further reading  

• American Psychiatric Association. (2022). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed., text rev.; DSM-5-TR). American Psychiatric Association 

  
  

• Barkley, R. A., Murphy, K. R., & Fischer, M. (2008). ADHD in adults: What the science says. Guilford Press. 
  (Research-focused, foundational overview of adult ADHD, including work, relationship and divorce outcomes; still a core reference for clinicians.) 

  
  

• Bell, M. T. (2024). The ADHD marriage workbook: A user-friendly guide to communicating, connecting & thriving in your relationship. (Practical workbook for couples, with step-by-step exercises on communication, boundaries and shared planning when ADHD is part of the relationship.) 

  
  

• Eakin, L., Minde, K., Hechtman, L., Ochs, E., Krane, E., Bouffard, R., Greenfield, B., & Looper, K. (2004). The marital and family functioning of adults with ADHD and their spouses. Journal of Attention Disorders, 8(1), 1–10. https://doi.org/10.1177/108705470400800101 (Empirical study of how adult ADHD affects marital satisfaction, conflict and wider family functioning.) 

  
  

• Hallowell, E. M., & Ratey, J. J. (2021). ADHD 2.0: New science and essential strategies for thriving with distraction – from childhood through adulthood. Ballantine Books. 
  (Up-to-date, very readable overview of ADHD science plus everyday strategies; covers self-esteem, work and relationship patterns, with many clinical examples.) 

  
  

• Huynh-Hohnbaum, A.-L., & Benowitz, E. (2022). Compounding effects of relationships with parents, colleagues, and romantic partners. In A. F. T. Arnsten, L. A. Adler, & J. Rostain (Eds.), Co-morbidities in adult ADHD: An expert guide to complex treatment issues (pp. 119–140). Springer. (Clinical chapter on how relationships with family, colleagues and partners interact with ADHD and co-occurring conditions across adulthood.) 

  
  

• Kolberg, J., & Nadeau, K. G. (2016). ADD-friendly ways to organize your life (3rd ed.). Routledge. 
  (Hands-on systems for time management, household tasks and paperwork, designed around executive-function difficulties and shared domestic life.) 

  
  

• Orlov, M. C. (2020). The ADHD effect on marriage: Understand and rebuild your relationship in six steps (2nd ed.). Specialty Press. (Widely recommended guide for couples; a structured six-step model for rebuilding communication, trust and practical routines in ADHD-affected relationships. The original edition was awarded ForeWord Reviews’ “Best Psychology Book of 2010”, and the 2020 edition incorporates updated research and examples.) 

  
  

• Rosier, T. (2021). Your brain’s not broken: Strategies for navigating your emotions and life with ADHD. Revell. 
  (Modern, empathetic book on emotional regulation, shame and conflict, with many concrete strategies for everyday situations.) 

  
  

• Tuckman, A. (2019). ADHD after dark: Better sex life, better relationship. Routledge. 
  (Specialist guide at the intersection of ADHD, sexuality and relationship dynamics, offering practical tools to improve intimacy and reduce friction.)